Rad Longhammer

A half-orc evil squisher


Extended info (crunch)


Where me start? Oh yeah, me start at start.

First thing me remember, me on table. Not just on table, but strapped down! Don’t remember nothin’ ’fore that. Dere dis old man, dressed like wizzard, and he do things to me… Hurty things. Always sayin “Oh, that interesting” or “Hmm, yes, good”. Me not know what so good bout it. Me thought it suck pretty hard.

Den one day me wake up because me moving very fast, and den hit muddy ground hard! Me suddenly have sun and sky over head, and dose new to me back then! Me look up, see old man looking out window of tower, and he say “Get out of here, you ting, me have no more use for you! Bugger off!” Me beat and beat on door, but no get through. Me see…. me see humans walking by, one with big hammer… Me tink, hey me, me could use hammer to beat down door and crush puny wizzard! So me… me grab human and me snap him neck. Him fellows run away, but me take hammer and fuckin’ beat shit out of it. Me beat so hard that it look like lightning strike door! But it no budge. Human die for nothin.

Well me have no place to go, so me start wand’rin streets like stray. Me event’lly find tavern, find booze… find bottom of bottle. Find gang of people what say me friend, me beat or kill anyone they say to. Me always felt better when me do, but never calm. Me never sleep well, eether. Me nightly visited by spectres of past, floating in me vision with silent condemnation in dere ghostly eyes.

Den one day, leader of gang look at me funny when me already havin fuck bad day. Before me know it, me lightning hammer in gang leader mouth. Me not even mean to, it just… happen. This time, me have feeling of shame so big, me no can handle it. Me bolt from building, swinging hammer wild, not caring what me strike. Me go on rampage through street, hitting people, destroying things, yelling like “AAAAHHHAHAHHAHHHHHAHHHA!” Me think it musta been sight to behold. Even crossbows and spells no stop me, me just keep going, killing and killing…

Den me swing hammer at man in middle of road, dressed in robe. He like wizzard, me think, and me go full fuck tilt a’ him. But him just hold out holy symbol, and me no can touch him. Me swing and swing and swing, and all just no hit him. Even lightning from hammer just move round him. Me keep going until me run out of energy, and me ask him while me pant, what he do. Is he wizzard? No, him say, him servant of god Pelor, what rule over sky and grant him peace in time of stress. Me no believe him, so me attack again, but him hold out holy symbol again and me just collapse in him arms. He tell guards he take me away, where me no hurt anyone, and dey let him go wit’ me. Me not know if it because dey respect him, or if because dey not sure they keep me down!

Man take me to church of Pelor, where me meet other monks. Dey teach me how be calm, how keep anger in check, how use it for Pelor. Me learn peace. Me sleep good.

Monks say me no can stay in town forever, because of bad tings me do, but monks show me how to use energy of anger to call Pelor and get him help when me need it. Dey explain, me can do dirty work for Pelor, because even god of peace need someone what do dirty work. Me wander countryside now, wanting bring peace to others what need it. Me no find any other things like me. Some say me look like half-human, half-orc, so me stick wit’ that. Me never see orc before, so me take word for it.

Rad Longhammer

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